(Written after sitting in a car for five hours listening to financial news stories.)
——-
Damn these subprime lenders, thought Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, barely keeping his balance on the wobbling skateboard. We can’t afford more debt. He snapped a grappling-hook-tipped quarrel into his crossbow as the skateboard slowed. When the country owes trillions and is asking for more, its shadowy creditors start calling in favors.
The crossbow twanged, carrying his climbing rope up the side of the Federal Reserve building. As he began his ascent, he reflected on the years past. I inherited a broken system, he insisted to himself. We’re simply doing what’s required to prevent a catastrophe. It’s not my fault.
He tossed his skateboard over the parapet and hauled himself over. He dropped six feet to the roof, landed heavily on the board, and trundled on into the night.
——-
From her perch in a tree across the street, the blogger watched through her blogoscope as Bernanke disappeared over the wall. She spoke quietly into her radio: “Subject is in the haybarn. The chickens are in danger of roosting.”
“Roger that,” came the reply. “Deploying Agent Harpsichord.”
——-
Inside, Bernanke moved along the wall like a shadow, elongating and contracting as the light sources shifted around him. In the midst of a sea of filing cabinets, he froze. He sniffed the air, then dropped to his knees, licked the floor, and paused. Yes, he thought, Greenspan was definitely here.
——-
The blogger had waited five minutes and was starting to get impatient. She picked up the radio. “Situation imminent. Pass the ducklings through the snorkel. Repeat: Pass the ducklings through the snorkel.”
“We are go for mode Sinatra,” replied the commander. “Reticulate core and set throttle to ‘cryptic’. Prepare to jitterbug.”
——-
Bernanke forced the door on yet another inner office, realizing too late that the light was on inside. The chair in the corner swiveled around, and Bernanke found himself face-to-face with Alan Greenspan. There was silence for a moment.
“You won’t get away with this,” said Greenspan, rising to his feet. “The Fed is subject to general congressional oversight. But you never understood that, did you?”
“Congress sold out the country, not me,” replied Bernanke. “Don’t shoot the messenger.”
“I wasn’t planning to,” said Greenspan. He flicked open a switchblade.
——-
The blogger peered once more into the eyepiece of her blogoscope. She threw the switch labeled “overlay building schematics.” The external view of the building disappeared, but instead of blueprints, she was presented with a green puzzle piece. “This view requires the Adobe Flash Player plug-in. Do you want to search for this plug-in now?”
Shit, she thought.
——-
Bernanke, trying not to slip in the patches of blood on the floor, struggled with Greenspan. The older man moved like a snake that moved like a former Fed Chairman who moved like a ninja. At last, Bernanke got a solid grip on Greenspan’s collar and hurled him through the fourth wall, knocking you to the ground.
Improvising a tourniquet from the remains of the snake left over from the earlier simile, Bernanke moved on through the hallways.
——-
The moonlight-bathed roof of the Federal Reserve building fell suddenly into shadow. A pair of night watchman looked up in alarm to see what had occluded the sky.
“Is that …” one whispered to the other, “… is that a blimp?”
——-
Bernanke reached the central vaults, accessed the Gibson mainframe, and began transmitting the requested files to his distant masters. He didn’t hear the gentle thud on the rooftop, the muffled explosive charges, or the sound of the door opening behind him. But at the last minute some sixth sense kicked in. He spun around just in time to see a golf-ball-sized lump of gold rapidly expanding in his vision. It struck him in the forehead, and he collapsed to the ground like a burlap sack full of scrapple.
Congressman Ron Paul retrieved the gold nugget from the floor and returned it to his satchel. “Try that,” he said, donning his sunglasses, “with a fiat currency.” He spun on his heel, cape swirling behind him, and swept from the room.
Read more of these adventures in the thrilling new novel, Ron Paul and the Chamber of Commerce — in bookstores now!
Hey, I think Frank Herbert gets an exception too.
Randall, that short story is great! You should totally write a novel! And then I will totally come round to your house and suck your tiny dick!
EPIC
EPIC
EPIC
EPIC
EPIC
EPIC
EPIC
(i figured you dont read these after they get triple digits so id make it short and simple and hopfully catch your eye. very funny, good job)
Randall, give up on your comic. People will only buy your shitty posters and shirts for so long, you know.
…like a burlap bag full of scrapple.
That’s a hell of an image.
re: depth
you misspelled brian greene.
Depth = Another poster = Combo with Height?
Ooh you made another poster to sell! Can i buy it please? Can I pay you with semen???
How could you leave out quarks, bosons, and even a joke about Higgs-Bosons??!
Yay for Elegance and Universes! (referring to latest comment)
Wait, did I say comment? I meant comic. I’m weird.
Stack that cheese.
Here I am to troll.
YAY! Ralph Nader saves the day and suicide bombs Ron Paul to death with some chemical called “Third party failure inevitability”.
Absolutely frikken brilliant ! My GL Michelle Quigley is a huge fan of yours, ans she sent me the link to this – being a big fan of Gibson and Sterling – you really nailed it ! Bravo !
Made my day !
Tarky7
Has anybody noticed that youtube has started audio-previewing the comments now? I have the horrible feeling that I’m missing something.
Haha yeah I saw that youtube started doing audio previews of the comments now. I always knew this comic had influence.
I detect an homage in the opening to the first story in David Foster Wallace’s “Oblivion”…
But it was his idea, right? The comic wasn’t just his take on the new idea? They actually stole it from him? (Granted, it might have been an accidental thievery).
Holy shit Randall, sorry to be off-topic but HOLY FUCKING SHIT YouTube did what you told them to do. There is now an audio preview button. HOLY AWESOME SHIT.
It took me by surprise when I clicked it unconsciously thinking it was the post comment button!
My apologies if you’ve already heard about this a billion times.
Thats true! Its where the old “post comment” button was so a lot of people click it on instinct! I think its a sign…
Jesus Fucking Christ.
Just when I thought I couldn’t love you more, you write this.
I think I just came.
[...] Traducción al español de Federal Reserve Skateboard: a short story [...]
For those of you who don’t get the “Is that a…blimp?” line…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAz9BYNyL4Y
The people who did it set up a for-profit company to get around McCain-Feingold, which is pretty interesting.
[...] When xkcd takes down a fourth wall, it stays down. Got me? To read the rest of this story, which you will, the following link will prove most advantageous: Federal Reserve Skateboard [...]
Oh my gods. You need to write a movie, or a book, or a pamphlet, or just come be my friend and talk to me non-stop because i want *more* of this kind of fracking awesome stuff. Except i’d have to move first because you SO don’t want to come to Exmouth. The estuary smells.
I have a major crush on your brain.
Brilliant! Can this be continued in a comic? Please?
Abolish the Fed!
And the skateboard too!
This is the funniest thing I’ve read for ages… especially the fourth wall bit! Also the idea of bloggers being an underground secret force was cool, so I went ahead and drew a whole toolkit just for fits and giggles and blagged it. It’s nothing on Randall’s style though.
Anyway, I [n]th the idea of expanding this either into a full on story or a series of comics. Awesome stuff!
I agree with everything everyone above me said.
“Ser-i-al! Ser-i-al!” the mob clamored.
Just top notch, excellent job Randall.
I want a blogoscope.
This may be the funniest thing I’ve read all month, and all the little bits from xkcd throughout just make it that much more awesome…
@jdl
I got it. (Srsly.)
Some people can’t read sarcasm. You’d think after x hours on the internet, it’d become second nature to discern it.
Huh.
-Wave
This blog is SO full of kissasses, it’s a bit nauseating. Yes, this comic is funny. Yes, the story was pretty good, but sweet Jesus, this man is not a god. He’s a creative writer.
[...] good thing has come out of the financial mess: an entertaining bit of writing. See this story from Randall Munroe of XKCD. I see a future for him in the economic/nerd/adventure [...]
I stand united with you in support of ringtones that actually ring! There’s nothing worse than hearing the first five seconds of a song you never liked to begin with, and in poor quality, every time your roommate’s phone rings.
(However, I will sheepishly admit to having compromised and used a ringtone that sounds like someone knocking, since “BRRRRING!” in the middle of a lecture is unmistakable, but “tock tock tock” confuses people while I can fish my phone out and turn the damn thing off in the even that I’ve forgotten to silence it to begin with.)
thank god for fiat money, without it the value of the metal in the nickle might actually be worth more than a nickle…oh…wait…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nickel_(United_States_coin)#Metal_value
[...] This story is shamelessly stolen, whole cloth, from Randall Munroe of XKCD [...]
Beautiful.
Keep it up.
If you write a book, I’ll give you money for it.
In whatever currency you prefer.
I think I’ve just become a permanent reader of this-here blag.
^_^ Loved it!
Here’s a letter I sent to Bernanke. Just in case I do get audited!
Dear Mr.Bernanke:
I am dismayed. First Mr. Greenspan says he didn’t “get” it and now you recommend another economic stimulus plan today (which equates to more money supply halving itself at this point and more that I have to pay off later). This after 1 Trillion has already been passed – only to be placed on the backs of taxpayers. We are in a severe recession, teetering on depression and still the Fed hides behind the Act itself.
The Dow has dropped 39%, from a high of 14,043 in October 2007 to below 8,600 a year later. And is only creeping up because the big boys are mopping up cheap stock. It dropped 800 points during intra-day trading on October 6, its largest one-day drop ever. European stocks, as measured by the Stoxx 600, fell 7.6%, the U.K.’s FTSE 100 dropped 7.9% and France’s CAC 40 slid 9%. These were the largest declines since 1987, and erased $2.5 trillion from global equities. The Stoxx 600 has fallen 34% this year, and trades at 10.1 times earnings, the lowest since the last recession in 2002. Housing prices are off they say 8%, I know full well it is way beyond that as I have 20% attrition rate in my neighborhood alone in Naples. I?m nearly 50% below my purchase price right now but still have to put good money after bad because I am a responsible citizen. Job rates, especially here where illegals are taking up our jobs is atrocious. Anything else you require? Retail sales?
What does it take to just say we screwed up this time, NOT the party in charge. But because of your silence you get to print more money as Obama and a one party system rules.
Please man up there Chairman! Do you know you are the only Chairman (well along with the rest of the bankers that is, because you do live by different rules than the rest of us) that gets to say the BUCK DOESN?T STOP HERE???
Fannie/Freddie sold mortgage backed securities as ?high quality paper? to governments, banks and entities that were derivative paper of extremely high risk paper. When the markets saw the housing bubble burst by you the Fed singling out area ?pockets? of overpriced homes (with Naples being the cornerstone ?pocket?) the bottom fell out with no one there to catch the fallout ? NO ONE, everyone turned a blind eye.
Am I the only one that sees see the parallels to the Great Depression? Everyone is doing the many of the same things all over again only this time with a total of A TRILLION Dollars (200 in July and 800 on Oct 6)?. way bigger numbers. I think it is a flawed economic theory and I think that as long as the deficit stayed under control we had a chance and CRA was curtailed, but no one knows what can happen to a theory when strained by deficit this much. I really truly think you are buying the flawed theory of Catchings and Fletcher and hoping it works. Everything is way overblown to bet on that madness. I am so tired of it! PLEASE MAN UP MR. CHAIRMAN!
Then you Mr. Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke take over and follow the same routine? In 2007, you, Mr. Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke went before the Independent Community of Bankers to suggest that further increasing the presence of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac in the affordable housing market to help banks fulfill their CRA obligations by providing them with more opportunities to securitize CRA-related loans? In 2007???? You are the esteemed Chairman who?s recommending to Congress and the world how we are going to navigate our way out of this mess?
I cannot believe that Mr. Greenspan would not raise the interest rates back in 04 or you as soon as you took over. I know you brilliant gentlemen didn’t just suddenly and magically awaken one day, 2 short years ago, and say, ?Gee, look at housing prices. Look at the subprime debacle and the mortgage derivatives we have allowed to be sold as high quality paper…. Maybe something stinks in Denmark. We should start a ?Warning Will Robinson, Warning? campaign against this bubble to stop it! I know, let?s put it in all the headlines that Naples Florida and San Francisco are overpriced.?
Still, I’m sorry, I do not buy it. The day late, dollar short warnings really do nothing to negate the fact is that you at the Fed are quite smart enough to have known way back in 94 where this would lead, you were ALL there, or there at least soon enough after to put a stop to the madness, Mr. Greenspan, Mr. Bernanke and all the rest! And no one thought to stand up and say ‘No Way’!? I can’t help but wonder why. Why didn?t you put a stop to it?you guys are smart. You didn?t have to scream it from the rooftops, just do the little magic that you do with the rates, start selling the bonds to regain the fiat, it would have been that simple and keep doing it till the credit flow slowed.
As a whole, are we all just that naive enough to believe that you all just suddenly noticed that as a nation we were on the brink of foreclosure? I fear so. And I would even venture to bet the bankers are betting on it.
It?s a convenient thing for the Fed when everyone blames a sitting President for what happens, isn?t it? You all sit back and let it happen.
You poked that bubble as much as Greenspan did and you both did so without oversight or other action by the fed except to push the ?burst the bubble button? – without the parachute! You called the bubble, but had no fallout, stopgap plan to sop up all the hemorrhage. We saw the second market downturn after 2000-2001 Dotcom/9-11 threatening recession, it recovered, but it was still questionable…mainly the shorting recovered it.
The governments, the banks and entities who bought this junk mortgage derivative scheme started screaming. Raines (Obama?s current housing advisor) just got caught at the reigns of Fannie busy doing some serious creative accounting. I guess there?s a reason for his name, huh?
We entered a recession where inflation was still climbing but the market was falling. No one would admit it – but Greenspan – whose responsibility it was to slow the hemorrhage, ignored these warning markers and indicators and allowed interest rates to remain low. He did not sell into the markets to tighten the money until it stopped hemorrhaging and instead allowed the market to falter saying suddenly that ?controlling markets was not the job of the fed.? A fine statement if you hadn’t already controlled the free markets for so long! He ignored a paper written by the Atlanta Federal Reserve Board arm concerning the need to raise rates and control the free fall of the market ? and he summarily told them it was not their business, told Congress, the President and America all was well with some ?hiccups????
Big question mark in my mind. By refusing to address what he had started with the bubble call out, he set the stage and he kept rates relatively low. He allowed the market to hemorrhage and failed to control the markets?.he refused to see, in fact he SAID it was none of his business, that it was just pockets of areas (Naples, San Francisco, etc). When it was obvious it was a full on assault on the housing market. Why?
Now today you tell the world you?re going to add more money supply – the only “good” that halves itself when too much in supply?….Are you TRYING to go where Japan went just 5 short years ago? 0% interest and nowhere to go from there?
You know, I am just a wife, a mom and a small business owner. I don?t know a lot, but I know when something?s not right. They say we are at an 8.x% decline on houses…so why I am sitting on nearly 50%? My losses, a person who should by all rights BE ABLE TO AFFORD A HOUSE are currently: Home Value in ½ + Lower Sale Prices through continued foreclosure + my share of a $900B bailout + LIBOR fluctuations + Increased Taxes in my fledgling company + Inflation + A potential tax increase on Income + An even bigger tax for making my company grow + Stock Market losses + 401k losses and you really want to add more to that deficit? Really? I guess it doesn?t pay to make a success of your life anymore. Is that what the plan is? Gray people waiting in a Gray bread line?
The redistribution of wealth is the mantra. It?s not really about fixing the system that is quite broken indeed, you won?t even freaking admit that it is broken. It is not going all the way back to 1913 and undoing years of what has been done. It is not just suspending all foreclosures until the people can find a way out, while we just keep trying to catch up on our payments and putting every free dime into that. Nope, its ?stimulating the economy?, the panacea to the masses.
I guess it was Greenspan who said it best?.?Deficit spending is simply a scheme for the ‘hidden’ confiscation of wealth.? You, Greenspan, Clinton, Frank, Pelosi, Raines and so many others got us in this mess, but you can?t navigate the waters to get us out?
Are you really going to ask us to continue to pay for your messes? Are you really saying that it is not the banks and the lawmakers that got us into this mess who need to pay, but its us, the American People, really?
It is a fearful thing when big business and government become symbiotic and this is where we are today. NOBODY is too big to fail Mr. Chairman.
May God help you sir. I wouldn?t want to be you on judgment day. I fear you just might find out how not too big you are to fail when the bigger Man upstairs shows you this one on the big screen.
Thanks so much that my upcoming retirement is so much cat food after working hard my whole life to make a success of it.
Thank God for the Federal Reserve. Where would we be without you?
Am I gonna get audited now too?
If so, I suppose you?ll need my name and address
Interest story :)
I think my heart just got a boner.
[...] a couple months old, but I think it’s worth sharing. Federal Reserve humor is hard to come by. Inside, Bernanke moved along the wall like a shadow, [...]
Why am I reminded of James Thurber?
This story was awesome…and go Jamie.
Nice one. Thank you for providing us with so much entertainment.
I actually searched Google for this book after reading it. Would have been a good ‘un, too.